Today is another day, they tell me. The sun has risen yet again, despite my efforts to keep it down. Now, in mockery of my desire for eternal night, it is blasting as if it were still August. But don’t you worry, sun – daylight saving is today. That’ll show you.
But for now, the nurse comes barging in, asking me for the 137th time whether I would like to join the others for breakfast. For the 137th time, I decline politely. No. I have the intention of declining politely, but politeness and I are not on the same team in the early morning, especially not when the sun is this motivated. Why can’t the clouds do their job today?
I get my tray and sit on my bed. For the 137th time, I wonder who decided that breakfast in bed was luxurious and wonderful. Every night, I battle the crumbs of bread that was already stale and decidedly non-luxurious in the morning. Another item to add to the List of Things I Do Not Understand.
Now it is time for rumination. The only thing I do here, since I refuse to partake in group activities and my therapist refuses to see me more than once a week. Some bullshit about limited budgets.
Maybe I’ll be ready to leave this place at some point. When I control the sun. Then, controlling my life will be a piece of cake. People will finally treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Things will no longer go wrong. I’ll be functional, just like everyone else. And who knows what will happen outside?
Maybe there is love lurking in the corner. Who says it always has to be danger, the mad ax men, and statistically improbable rapists? Maybe, as I turn this corner on my path of life, the darkness will recede and finally, someone will let in the light. Open those black velvet curtains in front of my eyes and let me see this life that I have been hearing so much about from my friends. And I’ll no longer be alone.
Maybe I’ll remember my thoughts for my next appointment. Unless tomorrow’s ruminations are more interesting.
Today is daylight saving. For the next six months, I get to steal an hour from the sun.