If I Were the Patriarchy, I’d be so Proud…

… that I got so many women to vote for someone who does not respect them or have their best interests in mind.

… that sexism and misogyny are so pervasive that the most qualified candidate did not win. If Hillary had a Y chromosome in every cell and a penis dangling between her legs, emails and likability would not have been an issue, especially in comparison to the alternative.

… that I got women to voluntarily wear high heels that make them unable to walk fast, let alone run. Much more subtle then the chains and cannonballs they used in the middle ages.

… that women in Germany pay 19% VAT on tampons and pads without even complaining, since clearly the government is correct in considering these luxury products. As opposed to a bouquet of flowers, which is obviously a necessity and thus taxed at 7%.

… that I got women to voluntarily spend time enhancing their facial contrasts with, basically, paint, and view this as a part of self care, instead of using that time and money to change the world.

… that books written by women are about women and read primarily by them, whereas books written by men are about life and thus read by everyone.

… that a woman trying to read as many books as possible written by women barely makes a 50/50 quota, which is what should happen when not trying, if women were properly represented in literature. Instead, when not trying, it’s 80% men. And no, this is not the time to mention the 80/20 rule!

… that I got women to voluntarily adopt shopping as a hobby, instead of using that precious time and money to demand closure of the wage gap and send their daughters to college.

… that women who are sexually harassed while innocently going for a run in broad daylight don’t even bother to report said incidents to the authorities and instead ask their boyfriends to run with them. Not to mention actual assaults.

… that women understand and reply to the question “Who are you wearing?” And often reply with a man’s name.

… that women want so shave their entire bodies excepting their scalps, eyebrows, and lashes, or spend fortunes of their hard-earned money on more permanent solutions.

… that women spent time and brain space on reading and writing articles such as “How 2 Match UR Lipstick 2 UR Left Pinky Toe” or “How to Please Your Guy by Bending Over Backwards While Making Him a Sandwich and Simultaneously Giving Him a Blow Job.”

Sadly, I cannot exempt myself from any of this, except maybe that I no longer like shopping – but I tend to do that when I feel bad and I still like new clothes, so even here, I have transcended absolutely nothing. Well, I’m not famous enough to be asked who I’m wearing, so there’s that silver lining.

Please join me in punching an invisible punching bag labeled “patriarchy” and add your own paradoxes!

PS: Feminist Wedding Congratulations