If I Were the Patriarchy, I’d be so Proud…

… that I got so many women to vote for someone who does not respect them or have their best interests in mind.

… that sexism and misogyny are so pervasive that the most qualified candidate did not win. If Hillary had a Y chromosome in every cell and a penis dangling between her legs, emails and likability would not have been an issue, especially in comparison to the alternative.

Feminismus… that I got women to voluntarily wear high heels that make them unable to walk fast, let alone run. Much more subtle then the chains and cannonballs they used in the middle ages.

… that women in Germany pay 19% VAT on tampons and pads without even complaining, since clearly the government is correct in considering these luxury products. As opposed to a bouquet of flowers, which is obviously a necessity and thus taxed at 7%.

… that I got women to voluntarily spend time enhancing their facial contrasts with, basically, paint, and view this as a part of self care, instead of using that time and money to change the world.

… that books written by women are about women and read primarily by them, whereas books written by men are about life and thus read by everyone.

… that a woman trying to read as many books as possible written by women barely makes a 50/50 quota, which is what should happen when not trying, if women were properly represented in literature. Instead, when not trying, it’s 80% men. And no, this is not the time to mention the 80/20 rule!

… that I got women to voluntarily adopt shopping as a hobby, instead of using that precious time and money to demand closure of the wage gap and send their daughters to college.

… that women who are sexually harassed while innocently going for a run in broad daylight don’t even bother to report said incidents to the authorities and instead ask their boyfriends to run with them. Not to mention actual assaults.

… that women understand and reply to the question “Who are you wearing?” And often reply with a man’s name.

… that women want so shave their entire bodies excepting their scalps, eyebrows, and lashes, or spend fortunes of their hard-earned money on more permanent solutions.

… that women spent time and brain space on reading and writing articles such as “How 2 Match UR Lipstick 2 UR Left Pinky Toe” or “How to Please Your Guy by Bending Over Backwards While Making Him a Sandwich and Simultaneously Giving Him a Blow Job.”

Sadly, I cannot exempt myself from any of this, except maybe that I no longer like shopping – but I tend to do that when I feel bad and I still like new clothes, so even here, I have transcended absolutely nothing. Well, I’m not famous enough to be asked who I’m wearing, so there’s that silver lining.

Please join me in punching an invisible punching bag labeled “patriarchy” and add your own paradoxes!

PS: Feminist Wedding Congratulations


Feminist Wedding Congratulations – An Attempt

Are you sure you’ve thought this through? No, that sounds wrong. These are congratulations. Let me start over:


But we all know happiness isn’t enough. So let me be more specific:

I hope you laugh together every day.

I hope you found a name solution that both keepers and takers are happy with, no matter who they may be.

I hope you had a conversation about the extent to which you will merge your finances, if at all.

I hope you had a conversation about who will support whom when a career opportunity arises.

I hope your husband will man up and be uninfluenced by societal norms should you turn out to be the primary breadwinner.

I hope that you share household chores according to ability, not tradition.

I hope you come to a decision to have children (or not) and how many based on what you want, not because society tells you all women should reproduce.

I hope that, if you have children, both of you will take parental leave, either together or sequentially. That you will form a primary caretaking team, uninfluenced by the traditional division of labor.

I hope that, once your children are older, you will try to find a way for both of you to fulfill your professional dreams. Or, should one of you chose to stay home, that you make that choice based on inclination and opportunities, not tradition.

Allow me to address the elephant in the room: divorce. Of course that is not part of my good wishes for you. But should that be in the cards, I hope you will figure out an amicable, as-painless-as-possible way. Maybe you even have a non-gender-discriminating prenup – good for you! Divorce is actually a freeing concept – think about how old you’ll probably get. There is no reason for spending five decades with someone who was only “The One” for the first two. There might be Another for the other three. I hope you divide assets and responsibilities according to abilities and inclination, not tradition. Personally, I like the idea of the kids staying where they are and the parents taking turns coming to live with them.

I hope you’ll organize elderly care as you did childcare – as a team, according to availability and inclination, not tradition, outsourcing certain aspects to keep your sanity and your self.

I hope he never makes you feel inadequate or not enough simply due to the natural process of aging.

I hope you’ll enjoy old age together as much as you did courtship – with more aches and prescription medications, but just as much humor and love.

I hope you enjoy widowhood, should you not have strategically married someone younger so you’d have the same life expectancy.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Inspired by Anne-Marie Slaughter’s Unfinished Business: Women Men Work Family.